Knowlton Haaland took his dancing all over Chicago to help me with the video for the song Dance With Me. We did it on the last warm weekend of the year and had a blast dancing with Chicagoans and tourists. For the ending we brought in Adrienne King and together we braved 18 degree weather and 25 mph winds to film the dance at the end. No fingers were lost, but it was a close call.
Knowlton and I met while standing in the cold for tryouts to So You Think You Can Dance Season 3 in Atlanta. I had seen him the previous year dancing like a clown and he was my favorite performer of the season. I turned into a fan girl and we spent a week in Atlanta dancing and partying and forming a lifelong friendship. Neither of us made it on the show that season, but we did get to dance for the judges in Atlanta. Here’s his more famous dancing performance.
This song is on the album I Wish, Dude that I did with Elijah Lucian and the bridge he signs on this song is my favorite moment on the album. I hope you’ll give it a listen.
My friend Chris Yonke who sings like a total dream has been working on some new songs with me. We decided to do a few covers along with some new songs. I’m a huge Ed Sheeran fan. Love his lyrics, love his flow. He also sent me front row tickets to a show on his last tour to help impress a girl and, well, that’s a good way to guarantee I’ll fall in bro love with you.
This was a weird track to rap on, but lyrically tons of fun. There’s something incredibly adorable about watching a girl you love put her hair up. Every girl does it differently, but when you know her you know that move and, well that’s what was on my mind while writing this.
Here’s the full lyrics to the rap:
you gotta little bit of frosting on your lip like you always do when you get that latte extra whipped
and if you don’t mind i’ll just just sneak a kiss make that disappear like this you can feign embarassed
and that move you make when you quickly tie your hair in a bun
well hun, you’d know that there will never be anyone
that can do that the way you do and i’m done
and that neck line swopping into your shirt
well it hurts when i don’t see that first thing in the morning
and i love that you somehow sleep through my snoring
and not like destinys child, but i love when you say my name
change the a to an e and i’m yours and it would never be the same
if anyone else said it so from today until the day i’m dead it
is you and only you and i’m happy to put that on reddit and meme it
but i promise to never put you in one of those internet proposal videos
i mean i swear to god i will never lip dub a lip sync on one knee and you can trust me
i’m not being funny honey look at my face
i wanna slow dance with you while we cook dinner until all of our hips have been replaced
A few years ago, I wrote some raps for the Taylor Swift song “Begin Again” and then I couldn’t find anyone to sing it so it just sat there. I wrote a new intro verse (mainly because I can’t sing) and decided to put it out.
It’s available to purchase on all the big services if you’re so inclined.
A few years ago Diddy changed his rap name to Diddy – Dirty Money. I think the implication was that he now had a crew. However, his crew was never seen. His verses were still ghostwritten by better rappers and other people wrote his songs, but hey, that’s true with Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus too. Who can blame the guy?
His big hit from his album Last Train to Paris was a ditty called “Coming Home”. Skyler Gray sang the hook, but for reasons I’ve never understood she is inexplicably played by two actresses in the video. Anyway, the first time I heard the song I thought, “hey, I can make that really gross.” I did. I hacked the acapella and removed a few words and replaced them with moans. I put the parody up on YouTube and it was off to the races. Then, DMCA and dumb record labels likely illegally removed the parody.
I always thought the video was a beautiful celebration of life and got some musicians together to help me cover the song (to avoid the DMCA issues) and the video is now back on YouTube and the song is available on iTunes, Amazon, and Bandcamp.
Last week Miley Cyrus straight up changed my life with “Wrecking Ball”. I’m not entirely sure if her latest music videos are sexy or repulsing, but I have a strange type of boner for her lately that defies all classification (at least when referenced against the many classes of boner I’ve already experienced). She only added to that boner today by releasing a new single where she sings about being high on Percoset and being – surprise – in the club while wearing the sexiest Michael Jordan jerseys I’ve ever seen. Again, weird boners abounding. She’s also wearing shades and I can only assume that she won’t stop and is probably also popping mollies. In other words: art.
While the visuals are hot and the lyrics on the hook are provocative because everyone remembers Miley as a cute little kid and not the strong sexual and drug icon she has become, the song “23” is straight up garbage with near retarded rap verses from Wiz Khalifah and Juicy J. They’re likely included because rapping like you can’t read or speak at better than a 3rd grade level came in with Chief Keef and is, apparently, still a thing. Miley somehow transcends all of this and (like a wrecking ball) takes over the entire song.
Now, since Miley has been in my head all week, I decided to do my version of her song “Wrecking Ball”. Chicks are always being uncool and getting up in my business for things like sending dick pics to their friends via Twitter and cheating on them and stuff, so I decided to write a new version called “Wrecking Balls”. It’s all about when some chick is being uncool about you tongue kissing her mother and she bursts in and straight up wrecks your balls.
In filming this masterpiece I attached two hop balls (those balls that look like exercise balls, but are for kids not yuppies and have a handle for bouncing around) wrapped in sheets to chains hanging from the ceiling. Then I brought in Vanessa to repeatedly hit me in the balls with stuff. Here’s the things I learned:
A titanium cup is a great invention and way better than the junky plastic thing I wore in high school while playing football.
Holy shit is it tiring and painful to swing around on a wrecking ball like that. The chain dried out my skin like crazy. I’m not some pussy who keeps his hands un-callused either. I’m a red blooded American man who chops down trees just because and I was lathering my hands with shea butter for three days just to get them back to regular callused-ness. My back, biceps, triceps, lats, quads, and abs got a workout I completely didn’t expect. Muscles I hadn’t used since the Clinton administration roared in frustration as I woke them from their slumber. The following morning as I limped to the bathroom to pop my Prilosec OTC, I marveled at the kind of shape Miley must be in to be able to handle that kind of workout. I mean, I’m a man. She’s just a cute little girl who plays Hannah Montana.
Enough about me. Watch the video on YouTube and drop a comment letting me know how some girl wrecked your balls. Ben Nissen from HapHazardFilms shot it. Go check his stuff and follow his various channels. Vanessa Ceron turned in a killer performance busting my balls. Go give her some love so she’s not so mean in the future. And hell, if all this isn’t enough to convince you to watch it, Evan Longoria is a professional athlete and he has no idea why our video isn’t the biggest thing in the world yet. That’s pretty convincing. I mean, he’s in the fucking playoffs.
Playboy’s original Gamer Next Door and former Cyber Girl of the Year Jo Garcia rounded up fellow Playboy models Stephanie Olson and Nikki Gilich as well as friends Anne Mendez, Kendra Zager, Kelly Marie, Vanessa Ceron and, of course, yours truly to share stories about giving our first blow jobs. This raw, uncensored, and often humorous documentary tears into a subject not often discussed by the lamestream media. In the memories we found beautiful stories and joyful memories.
A big thanks for all the girls for making this happen. Make sure to show them some love on Twitter and share the video on your social sites, Reddit, Buzzfeed, and more.
As a, er, Former Fat Boy myself, this clip made me smile out loud while on the treadmill last night. Probably the best #1 in SportsCenter history.
How do you smile out loud? It’s kind of a combination of laughter and sighing with a whole lot of joy in the mix. Really fun to see the joy of sports and being a crazy kid all rolled into one clip. Especially after writing about RG3 and my own thoughts on youth football yesterday and feeling like that came off a bit negative.