New York City is wonderfully insane. You can’t not have an interesting time. Last year I went to NYC on a work day trip. I normally over-pack for overnight trips like Elle Woods going away for a summer vacation, but this time I decided to be a man and just take a backpack with my laptop, a t-shirt and a spare pair of underwear. I rolled into New York a grown up adult man. “Look at me Big Apple, I’m a big boy who can travel without checking two suitcases”, was what my head was saying. New York replied exactly how I’d expect it to: the middle finger. A blizzard trapped me in Manhattan for a week. Forwards, backwards, inside out forwards, inside out backwards. Damn. I had to buy new underwear.
This year, New York City was kinder, but just as off the wall. Moment ago, while racing to LaGuardia airport and I handed a UPS package (that I was trying to drop at a UPS Store that Google assured me was kind of on the way to LaGuardia Airport) from the window of my Uber to a UPS driver next to me in traffic while stopped at a red light after waving frantically at him like a maniac while half hanging out the window for 3 blocks.
Yesterday, I was trying (somewhat unsuccessfully) to hail a cab and a guy came up and just yelled “white guy needs a cab!” for five minutes next to me and when a cab finally pulled over, he asked me for money for crack as a reward for his help. Appreciating the honesty, comedy, and assist I gave him five bucks.
Then later in the morning as if New York City was equalizing things karmically, a cabbie picked me up and told me he wasn’t turning on the meter for the first half of the ride because he was on break but picked me up anyway. We drove for about ten minutes before he said, “ok, now I turn it on, ok?” Umm, sure? What planet am I on right now.?
Last night I jumped up to grab ketchup at Shake Shack in Times Square and was gone all of twelve seconds and a woman had taken my seat and was reaching for a fry. I shooed her away and she shrugged and looked incredulous that I’d taken back my food, but also not too upset to take up a position waiting for someone else to make a similar mistake to mine leaving her with FRIES.
On the way back to my hotel, I inadvertently became a #LizardPeopleOfNewYork and made progress getting over my fear of snakes (and becoming a Slytherin) when some dude just tossed a snake on my shoulders as I walked past and then demanded $20 from me for the privilege (and a photo if I wanted one). Fuck yeah dude I want one! I mean, does it look like I don’t have an Instagram account?
Stay weird, NYC.