Last week Miley Cyrus straight up changed my life with “Wrecking Ball”. I’m not entirely sure if her latest music videos are sexy or repulsing, but I have a strange type of boner for her lately that defies all classification (at least when referenced against the many classes of boner I’ve already experienced). She only added to that boner today by releasing a new single where she sings about being high on Percoset and being – surprise – in the club while wearing the sexiest Michael Jordan jerseys I’ve ever seen. Again, weird boners abounding. She’s also wearing shades and I can only assume that she won’t stop and is probably also popping mollies. In other words: art.
While the visuals are hot and the lyrics on the hook are provocative because everyone remembers Miley as a cute little kid and not the strong sexual and drug icon she has become, the song “23” is straight up garbage with near retarded rap verses from Wiz Khalifah and Juicy J. They’re likely included because rapping like you can’t read or speak at better than a 3rd grade level came in with Chief Keef and is, apparently, still a thing. Miley somehow transcends all of this and (like a wrecking ball) takes over the entire song.
Now, since Miley has been in my head all week, I decided to do my version of her song “Wrecking Ball”. Chicks are always being uncool and getting up in my business for things like sending dick pics to their friends via Twitter and cheating on them and stuff, so I decided to write a new version called “Wrecking Balls”. It’s all about when some chick is being uncool about you tongue kissing her mother and she bursts in and straight up wrecks your balls.
In filming this masterpiece I attached two hop balls (those balls that look like exercise balls, but are for kids not yuppies and have a handle for bouncing around) wrapped in sheets to chains hanging from the ceiling. Then I brought in Vanessa to repeatedly hit me in the balls with stuff. Here’s the things I learned:
- A titanium cup is a great invention and way better than the junky plastic thing I wore in high school while playing football.
- Holy shit is it tiring and painful to swing around on a wrecking ball like that. The chain dried out my skin like crazy. I’m not some pussy who keeps his hands un-callused either. I’m a red blooded American man who chops down trees just because and I was lathering my hands with shea butter for three days just to get them back to regular callused-ness. My back, biceps, triceps, lats, quads, and abs got a workout I completely didn’t expect. Muscles I hadn’t used since the Clinton administration roared in frustration as I woke them from their slumber. The following morning as I limped to the bathroom to pop my Prilosec OTC, I marveled at the kind of shape Miley must be in to be able to handle that kind of workout. I mean, I’m a man. She’s just a cute little girl who plays Hannah Montana.
Enough about me. Watch the video on YouTube and drop a comment letting me know how some girl wrecked your balls. Ben Nissen from HapHazardFilms shot it. Go check his stuff and follow his various channels. Vanessa Ceron turned in a killer performance busting my balls. Go give her some love so she’s not so mean in the future. And hell, if all this isn’t enough to convince you to watch it, Evan Longoria is a professional athlete and he has no idea why our video isn’t the biggest thing in the world yet. That’s pretty convincing. I mean, he’s in the fucking playoffs.
No idea how this isn’t viral yet! Parody couldn’t get any funnier! http://t.co/1J8oBwlFBc
— Evan Longoria (@Evan3Longoria) September 26, 2013