I Hate Everything: The Super Bowl Ads (Ok, I liked some…)

February 4, 2013 — Leave a comment

Kind of a mediocre showing this year both on the field (come on, that game was over at halftime until the NFL cut the lights to give themselves a chance to tell the Ravens to let the 49ers make a game of it) and on Madison Ave, but let’s see what was fun and what wasn’t. Feel free to hate all of this.

The Best

M&M’s won the Super Bowl this year. They’ve killed it the last few years with that Party Rock Anthem ad and the male model trying to eat the Green M&M. This ad was just perfect right up to the last line where Red says, “It hurts but I kind of like it.” Makes me want to have a giant talking M&M move in with me and crack wise. I’d watch a show with Red living with Kevin James as roommates and funny amusing things happen. Kind of like the show Cavemen, but not awful.

The Worst

What the hell was Dodge thinking with that God and Farmers ad? That’s probably going to play well in Iowa and Oklahoma where they haven’t seen Food, Inc. or don’t have Whole Foods yet, but don’t we all know that there’s no such thing or (very close to no such thing) as little, neighborhood farmers anymore? I found the ad preachy and fake. Too bad for them because I thought their Eastwood and Eminem ads in the last two Super Bowls have been terrific. Even if no one in their right mind would believe that Eminem would ever drive a Chrysler 200.

Speaking of cars you’d never drive, that Mercedes Kate Upton ad was kind of cute except for the fact that it looks like Mercedes was unveiling a $4,000 car. I would sign a contract with the devil to avoid having to drive that Mercedes anywhere.

The other ad that really hit the bottom of the barrel for me was Wonderful Pistachios Gangnam Style inspired “Get Crackin'” ad. When did they conceive that thing? September? At the very least that’s gotta be the final nail in that song’s coffin, right? In 10 years we’ll all remember that song with some nostalgia while cracking a Budweiser Black Crown, right? If the ads are any indication, Black Crown isn’t going to last a week. If Bud hadn’t aired the horrible series of Platinum ads last year this might have been their worst Super Bowl ad showing ever. Also, can they just drop “Here We Go” as a tagline? It’s always been more awkward than that ad for Calvin Klein Concept. Just a horrific ad that definitely didn’t make anyone in my living room want to smell the fragrance.

Coke’s ad with the race across the desert was inept like a GoDaddy ad of yesteryear. What was the point of the “vote online” campaign just to see exactly nothing clever happen in the conclusion? Coke always rules at this sort of thing and tonight they blew it. Not that Pepsi really killed them or anything. Beyonce’s continued the miserable string of halftime shows that have plagued the Super Bowl ever since Janet Jackson ruined it all. Can’t we just have Britney Spears and Ben Stiller back again? Or Michael Jackson?

Biggest Surprise

GoDaddy. GoDaddy makes horrible Super Bowl ads. They do it year after year and they always get trashed online for it and rightfully so! They use Danica Patrick. For gods sakes if you’re going to use a woman who sucks at a professional sport at least hire Anna Kournikova.

This year when I saw Danica and Bar Refaeli on screen I figured that Danica was going to hint to Bar that they should behave in a lesbian manner and then GoDaddy was going to suggest that I go online to watch all the parts that were “too steamy” for the Super Bowl. Then I’d go to their website and Bar and Danica would be sitting there eating a roasted cat and I’d realize that GoDaddy was just having some good old fashioned fun. But this year, GoDaddy actually made an effort and got gross and hilarious. I have no idea how much they paid Bar for that, but that nerdy dude got the role of a freaking lifetime. Then they blew my mind further with their “Big Idea” spot and didn’t even hint at anything sexual or misogynist and just went for the funny bone. Good show Bob Parsons.

Honorable Mentions

Who else won? Old Spice’s Wolf Man was hilariously “them”. Oreo’s Whisper Ad and impromptu blackout related Twitter ad were great. Kia’s “Where Do Babies Come From” ad was perfection. With that one especially I like how the humor tied back into the product with a great demonstration of its superior sound system. Audi’s prom ad was vicariously awesome and totally reminded me of that time that my dad let me drive our minivan with 400,000 miles on it for the first time. Not an Audi, but I was tipping over Porto-Potties not going to dances. Leon Sandcastle was great fun, but I had to look up that it was for the NFL Draft. The Joe Montana Miracle stain ad was a riot too and tied nicely into the game. And The Rock drinks Milk was yummy.

Missed Oppurtunity

Missed opportunity was not using Sam Gordon. Roger Gooddell, a man no one likes, had the good sense to sit her next to him at the game, so why in the world didn’t anyone do a clever ad featuring her knocking down NFL players left and right and tell me that anyone can do anything if they just “Do It” or “Believe” or “Drink Gatorade” or “Believe in Scientology”. And really, CBS, you’ll let Scientology advertise, but you won’t let Sodastream run it’s meh ad that sort of disses Coke and Pepsi?

Next Year

Next year, I better see an ad with Joe Flacco declaring some product, service, brand, or film to be “fucking awesome” in honor of this year’s amazing post-game Janet Jackson gaffe. I predict Lance Armstrong will do an ad of some kind with some brave advertiser. There will also be an ad that references the blackout in some clever way.

Bang For The Buck

The last two years Old Milwaukee has proved something with their Will Ferrel ads. They show their ads in very small markets and thus qualify – at least as far as the internet is concerned – for Super Bowl Ad status without spending a fortune to get in the game. And yet, they probably achieve nearly the same level of saturation as many of the other big game ads. Sure, the Super Bowl is seen everywhere, but this has buzz. It spreads like wildfire around the internet and infects the Old Milwaukee target. Old Milwaukee’s market – whether they would ever admit it or not – is probably high school kids and college kids who need cheap, crappy beer to buy or steal. The only other market is poor twenty-something who drink it ironically. Exactly the type of people to love and share this ad. It will be interesting to see who tries to replicate this strategy next year. It’s a terrific bang for the buck strategy even if GoDaddy had a better gross makeout this year.

 

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